Monday, September 28, 2009

Vampires are always sensitive when they are on their periods


Dear Community of Vampires,

when did you become such a laughable and sissy bunch?

Now, Twilight isn't all to blame (though I know about 89% of the fault rests on its shoulders). There were other books and movies, quite unheard of until recently, that portrayed a group of "vegetarian" vampires who didn't want to hurt humans. And they were all devilishly beautiful and sensitive, artistic even. They had feelings and cared about yours. Because they weren't "bad vampires". They were good vampires! (Like, gag me with a spoon)

I'm sure many of you real vampires, after seducing another victim, laughed off such nonsense. A vampire that wants to be your friend? How silly and novel. A vampire that feasts on bears and deer? What a ridiculous concept!

I'm sure, at first, you all shook your heads and pursed your lips. While I'm sure it's true that a few vampires have such childish and wimpy thoughts, surely it isn't all of you... right?

Wrong.

Because it seems your group is now aimed at horny 12 year old girls who don't like the fact that boys aren't cultured enough for them, and if only they could find a brooding, sensitive vampire to be their companion, that would make it all better (note to 12 year olds reading this: real boys like the above mentioned do exist, but you have to stop watching High School Musical, get off your asses and actually find them; they don't magical appear one day).

I remember as a child watching Nosferatu and sleeping with my grandmother for the next month, hiding a cross under my pillow and making sure I had something sharp ready. Because you use to be scary creatures that stalked the darkness and hid from the sun, often in a creepy coffin in the basement of a decrypted house (because you have to admit that you are a dramatic bunch).

But now-a-days you sparkle like diamonds in the sun, because it's a little less creepy and a little more friendly.

I remember when I grew up and started reading Anne Rice and Laurel K. Hamilton. Although you were cultured and classy, sexy and seductive, you were still vampires; you still killed people and sucked them dry of all their ruby red life juices. And if you found a human you liked, you kept him/her as a pet, not a companion.

I think my history teacher (who is convinced one of you is trying to kill him, so he studies you all extensively, reading every book ever published about you vampires) said it best when he threw down a copy of New Moon in rage and yelled, "VAMPIRES WANT TO FUCK YOU AND SUCK YOUR BLOOD! AND THEY SURE AS HELL DON'T WANT AN UGLY, BUCK-TOOTHED LOSER. THEY WANT LONG LEGS, FULL LIPS AND AMAZING SEX."

So, tell me, what the hell has happened to you all? I am ashamed to admit I was every afraid of such whiny babies. It saddens me to think my children will grow up, thinking such absolute garbage about you!

I think it in both our best interests if we no longer speak to each other. I just can't bare the pain anymore.

With love,
A Woman Made of Dust

8 comments:

Midnight Whisperer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Charlene said...

Two complete side notes -- is this history teacher still gainfully employed? (LOL) And, I LOVE Anne Rice. :-)

Nothingman said...

That was an amazing letter to Hollywood. Twilight has totally ruined the vampire image in the eyes of movie watchers. I mean, 90% of charm of vampires was in their allergy to sunlight, and what do we get now? sparkly suckers.

bah.

Great article once again:)

N

A Woman Made of Dust said...

Midnight: Yes, true that. Though, if I'm not mistaken, she still is alive. :O

Charlene: Yes, he is still employed. Part of his charm is that he is such a grumpy old man who swears and, pretty much, hates everything. Everyone loves him. :)

N: You're right! At least you knew during the day you were safe. Now we must beware, least we get BLINDED! Hah hah.


WMD

Reema B. said...

omg...this is seriously so true!!! I mean what happened to those "creepy" vampires? I really find it ironic how they are becoming more "friendly" and "sissy" as we grow older!!

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jason evans said...

I like your history teacher's take on it.

missykimmy said...

Haha, I LOVE this! It's hilarious, and I totally agree! Vampires turned into such wimps! I wish this Twilight series never happened.

I love your blog and how you're "writing letters to Hollywood." They all hold truth in them, and make me laugh so much! I'm definitely following and looking forward to more letters. (:
Drop by my blog sometimes?

http://missykimmy.blogspot.com

Kate said...

Can't believe I missed this post! So true. Oh Lestat! He was a proper vampire screw Louis

Kate x