Letters to some of the big stars in Hollywood from a woman who isn't concerned about hurt feelings.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Vampires are always sensitive when they are on their periods
Dear Community of Vampires,
when did you become such a laughable and sissy bunch?
Now, Twilight isn't all to blame (though I know about 89% of the fault rests on its shoulders). There were other books and movies, quite unheard of until recently, that portrayed a group of "vegetarian" vampires who didn't want to hurt humans. And they were all devilishly beautiful and sensitive, artistic even. They had feelings and cared about yours. Because they weren't "bad vampires". They were good vampires! (Like, gag me with a spoon)
I'm sure many of you real vampires, after seducing another victim, laughed off such nonsense. A vampire that wants to be your friend? How silly and novel. A vampire that feasts on bears and deer? What a ridiculous concept!
I'm sure, at first, you all shook your heads and pursed your lips. While I'm sure it's true that a few vampires have such childish and wimpy thoughts, surely it isn't all of you... right?
Because it seems your group is now aimed at horny 12 year old girls who don't like the fact that boys aren't cultured enough for them, and if only they could find a brooding, sensitive vampire to be their companion, that would make it all better (note to 12 year olds reading this: real boys like the above mentioned do exist, but you have to stop watching High School Musical, get off your asses and actually find them; they don't magical appear one day).
I remember as a child watching Nosferatu and sleeping with my grandmother for the next month, hiding a cross under my pillow and making sure I had something sharp ready. Because you use to be scary creatures that stalked the darkness and hid from the sun, often in a creepy coffin in the basement of a decrypted house (because you have to admit that you are a dramatic bunch).
But now-a-days you sparkle like diamonds in the sun, because it's a little less creepy and a little more friendly.
I remember when I grew up and started reading Anne Rice and Laurel K. Hamilton. Although you were cultured and classy, sexy and seductive, you were still vampires; you still killed people and sucked them dry of all their ruby red life juices. And if you found a human you liked, you kept him/her as apet, not a companion.
I think my history teacher (who is convinced one of you is trying to kill him, so he studies you all extensively, reading every book ever published about you vampires) said it best when he threw down a copy of New Moon in rage and yelled, "VAMPIRES WANT TO FUCK YOU AND SUCK YOUR BLOOD! AND THEY SURE AS HELL DON'T WANT AN UGLY, BUCK-TOOTHED LOSER. THEY WANT LONG LEGS, FULL LIPS AND AMAZING SEX."
So, tell me, what the hell has happened to you all? I am ashamed to admit I was every afraid of such whiny babies. It saddens me to think my children will grow up, thinking such absolute garbage about you!
I think it in both our best interests if we no longer speak to each other. I just can't bare the pain anymore.
After years of watching people in Hollywood, I've decided to come out and do what should have been done years ago: Tell the truth. If you can't sing or act and have no talent, it's about time someone told them the truth. That's my goal. Obviously, this is all opinion, but I think many of you will agree that it's all too true...