Vampires are always sensitive when they are on their periods

Dear Community of Vampires,

when did you become such a laughable and sissy bunch?

Now, Twilight isn't all to blame (though I know about 89% of the fault rests on its shoulders). There were other books and movies, quite unheard of until recently, that portrayed a group of "vegetarian" vampires who didn't want to hurt humans. And they were all devilishly beautiful and sensitive, artistic even. They had feelings and cared about yours. Because they weren't "bad vampires". They were good vampires! (Like, gag me with a spoon)

I'm sure many of you real vampires, after seducing another victim, laughed off such nonsense. A vampire that wants to be your friend? How silly and novel. A vampire that feasts on bears and deer? What a ridiculous concept!

I'm sure, at first, you all shook your heads and pursed your lips. While I'm sure it's true that a few vampires have such childish and wimpy thoughts, surely it isn't all of you... right?

Wrong.

Because it seems your group is now aimed at horny 12 year old girls who don't like the fact that boys aren't cultured enough for them, and if only they could find a brooding, sensitive vampire to be their companion, that would make it all better (note to 12 year olds reading this: real boys like the above mentioned do exist, but you have to stop watching High School Musical, get off your asses and actually find them; they don't magical appear one day).

I remember as a child watching Nosferatu and sleeping with my grandmother for the next month, hiding a cross under my pillow and making sure I had something sharp ready. Because you use to be scary creatures that stalked the darkness and hid from the sun, often in a creepy coffin in the basement of a decrypted house (because you have to admit that you are a dramatic bunch).

But now-a-days you sparkle like diamonds in the sun, because it's a little less creepy and a little more friendly.

I remember when I grew up and started reading Anne Rice and Laurel K. Hamilton. Although you were cultured and classy, sexy and seductive, you were still vampires; you still killed people and sucked them dry of all their ruby red life juices. And if you found a human you liked, you kept him/her as a pet, not a companion.

I think my history teacher (who is convinced one of you is trying to kill him, so he studies you all extensively, reading every book ever published about you vampires) said it best when he threw down a copy of New Moon in rage and yelled, "VAMPIRES WANT TO FUCK YOU AND SUCK YOUR BLOOD! AND THEY SURE AS HELL DON'T WANT AN UGLY, BUCK-TOOTHED LOSER. THEY WANT LONG LEGS, FULL LIPS AND AMAZING SEX."

So, tell me, what the hell has happened to you all? I am ashamed to admit I was every afraid of such whiny babies. It saddens me to think my children will grow up, thinking such absolute garbage about you!

I think it in both our best interests if we no longer speak to each other. I just can't bare the pain anymore.

With love,
A Woman Made of Dust

Road map

Some "issues" I will be covering soon:

• How come vampires have become such whiny bitches? What happened to the good old fashioned classy, sex fiend vampire that would as soon rip your throat out as kiss you?
• Reality TV and the people who write their scripts
  
• Jon and Kate (maybe... I'm weighing the pros and cons of touching that one)
• TV shows for children (i.e. High School musical, Sonny with a Chance, etc.)
• Stephanie Meyer (she deserves her own separate letter)

RIP

I've decided that for this blog I would like to say a little special something about all the wonderful stars who have died in the last year. It's easy to rip apart a Hollywood Starlet with no talent, but it's a rare and beautiful thing to find someone out there with talent, or who is generally a good person or is any combination of the above.

Note: I did leave some people out, most likely because I didn't like them. But feel free to leave your own RIP in the comment.

Patrick Swayze - I'm sure this is said a lot, but Dirty Dancing is the movie that got me into dancing! I was so young then, but I was mesmerized by the ways the bodies moved against each other and how sexually charged everyone was. I thought it was beautiful. I am truly Swayze Crazy!

Heath Ledge - I know he didn't die in 2009, but I'm still sad when I think about it. He was such a beautiful, talented man. He was one of the true talented actors of our generation.

Farrah Fawcett - Ahhh, who won't miss the blonde beauty? What can I say about her, except that she was freaking awesome?!

Billy Mays - You made me want to buy things because you yelled at me, and I was scared of what might happen if I didn't.... :O

Barbarella - Yes, she is a fictional character, but Robert Rodregiuz announced he wanted to remake the movie, using either Megan Fox or Angelina Joile as Berbarella. Now, while I do love Ms. Jolie, neither of those two can play Barbarella! Barbarella was sexy because of how innocent and unaware she was of her own sex appeal! Megan Fox only plays scantly clad, dirty whores, and Angelina Jolie cannot pull of the "innocent and unaware of her own sex appeal." So, in my book, Barbarella has died a tragic, horrible death.

Coming soon to a blog near you....

School just started again and I've been plenty busy! I'm getting used to my new schedule, so I have a feel for which days I'm really busy and which days I can blog. I'll be getting a new blogging schedule soon.

Sorry, as well, for ignoring a lot of the people whose blogs I normally read. I'm catching up on all of you in the next few days!

Hopefully I can get a post out tonight. I planned to last night, but I ended up going to my boyfriend's football game, and a friend and her three children (all under the age of five) came with. Between the cheering and chasing the kids around for almost three hours, I was in no mood or state to post last night.

Thanks,
WMD

WTF Secret Life of the American Teenager

Dear Secret Life of the American Teenager,

this letter will be short.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

I teach 12-14 year olds the benefits of safe sex. Although we do stress that abstinence until you are ready is the best way to go (and that 12, 13 and 14 is a bit young to be having sex), we don't want unprepared kids out there having sex, getting all kinds of nasty STDs and getting knocked up. So, the group I work with takes the smart approach and we teach kids safe practices that they can use later in life.

I get all sorts of questions, and today one of them came from the cutest little girl sitting in the back row: "But if I use a condom, won't it seem like I was planning on having sex? And then people will think I'm a whore."

I was shocked.

"Who told you that?" I asked. She hesitated for a moment and then quietly said, "I saw it on Secret Life of the American Teenager."

The woman whom I teach with was just as shocked as I. Slack jawed, we started at each, and then the class, for about 3 minutes before she was brave enough to say, "What else has this show taught you?"

For the rest of the session, pudgy little hands flew up in the air, each child politely waiting their turn to fill us in on the lessons your show was broadcasting. Most memorably to me was this line:

"If I hadn't had such great sex, Dad would have never died. It's my fault, because I had fantastic sex."

One more time now, for the back row. WTF?!

I have never been so shocked and disgusted in all my life! I understand that there are a lot of people out there who believe teaching abstinence in school is the best approach to sex education (one I disagree with, but I digress...), but your show telling kids that if they use condoms they are "too prepared" or that if they have great sex their father will die is just crossing the line.

How the hell on Earth are you still on air? Are parents really okay with their children watching this show? I would never in a million years want my kids to think having sex is bad, or deadly, or that if they use a condom they are whores because it seems like their are planning it. I would want my kids, and other people's kids as well, to be educated on sex.

I don't even know how to finish this letter. That's how fucking appalled I am.

A Woman Made of Dust

Board of Ethics for Grey's Anatomy

Dear cast of Grey's Anatomy,

Some ethical questions have been raised regarding your ability to doctor, and I have been sent in to investigate before submitting a report to my superiors. Let's begin.

It seems that every week a new slue of patients pass through your doors, all with their fair share of incredibly rare and unlikely diseases. But, regardless of the complete unlikeliness that everyone in the state would come to your hospital with all of the one-in-a-million cases, it becomes your job as soon as they are in a hospital bed to treat them and get them out as soon as possible, with the best care and comfort possible.

However, it has come to my attention that actually treating them is a very rare occurrence in your hospital, as you are all too busy having sex, feeling sorry for yourself, and getting emotionally involved in every single case you work on.

Now, there is nothing wrong with a doctor who cares, but it seems you all care so much that when the patient dies (as they also do) you are sent into a spiral of depression, like the person was your own sister or brother. And the reason they generally die is because, even though we all know you care so much, all you do is talk about how much you care with the fellow staff members. And when you finally get around to doing surgery, all you do is talk about yourself and your own problems at home, inevitably cutting into the patients artery and killing him because you weren't paying attention. Like the time you dropped a kidney on the ground, yet still put it in the poor woman because "the 5 second rule" was in effect.

It seems that none of you went to medical school; in fact, I wouldn't be surprised if you all told me that you got your medical degrees when you sent in 20 cereal box lids with proof of purchase.

As well, your hospital has had roofs collapse on patients while they are in surgery, flooding and even one doctor who sent a patient (whom she was having a love affair with) into cardiac arrest just so he could climb the donor list (and then he died).

Speaking of love affairs, why are you all dating each other?! If the term "don't dip your pen in the company ink" applies anywhere, this is the place. Imagine going into a hospital to have life saving surgery, only to discover your two surgeons are dating, had a major fight the night before and haven't been talking to each other all day....

I have never seen such selfish, unprofessional and attractive doctors in all my life!

You should all have your degrees taken away from you and your hospital closed. Never in a million years would I willingly check myself into your hospital, and if a friend of mine was so unfortunate as to wind up under your knife, I would begin preparing the funeral immediately.

With love,
A Woman Made of Dust

Casting call for Megan Fox

Dear Megan Fox,

I recently saw a trailer for your new movie, Jennifer's Body, and I was hit with a stroke of genius and thought immediately of a way to spice up every single movie that has or will ever be made; let's just put you in it!

After all, you sure are pretty! Dark hair and big lips, toned body and soft skin. I mean, if I'm going to be watching a three hour movie that's incredibly awful, I (and many others) would enjoy it a lot more if we could stare at you the whole time.

Of course, we would have to put it on mute because you have no emotion in your voice as you act, and hearing you would only ruin things. As well, we should probably keep you static, because when you move I get the sense that you are trying to act, which I find distracting.

Oh, gosh, now let me think. That doesn't leave you much to do at all, now does it? Well now that just makes me wonder how you became an actress in the first place! It can't be because you are pretty, could it? We aren't that shallow as a society, right? Hah, hah, hah....

Oh my.

Wait now, I have to think again. You are an actress only because of your looks, and because so many people find you so attractive, they don't mind that it's like watching a second grade theater production at a public school!

Let's face it sweetheart; your pretty face will only get you so far. You, like a multitude of actors and actresses out there today, are famous because people like to look at you. Never mind that you can't act!

Tsk, tsk.

You may think you're a real actress because your tanned, bikini body is all over the web, but I would like to see you in a role where you aren't portraying a sexy, scantily clad woman (see the beautiful Charlize Theron in Monster and North County). Would people watch you then?

I think not.

I think it for the best if from now on you stepped aside and left the acting for those who have talent.

Now, don't get me wrong; if talent was measured by attractiveness you would be in the top 50 best actresses. But it's not. So let's not confuse the two.

With love,
A Woman Made of Dust

Very quickly

If any of you think there is a person, event, movie, book, etc. I should address, please feel free to leave me a comment. Of course, I will only write a letter if I have a stance against the person, but having a flow of names coming in is always incrediably helpful in starting the brain juices. Especially on the days (I anticipate will come) where for the life of me I can't think straight.

Thanks very much for reading. Someone has already mentioned Brittany Spears.... Victim number 2, mayhap?

I plan to post 3-4 times a week, mainly because not only do I have work but I like to take time and make sure everything in my post is just right.

Dear Miley Cyrus

Dear Miley Cyrus,

I'm contacting you on behalf of my eyeballs and ears. As they themselves cannot speak, I will take the liberty of translating their wishes into words. Pardon their tone; they see and hear many things that disturb them and after awhile they simply lose their patience.

You started out your career as a cute little southern girl whom everyone adored. Your show, Hannah Montana, consisted of silly humor and witty banter that kids found hilarious. It was all good and fun until you started growing up.

Among other things, Ms. Cyrus, two words I would never use to describe you would be talented and sexy. You can't sing and can't act, yet you relentlessly pursue the two careers with a vengeance. You're popular with 11 year-olds and ill-advised high school girls, so that should tell you how "talented" you actually are. But as if that weren't enough, you started to think you were sexy as well (I demand to know who told you such a blatent lie, as I think they deserve a swift kick in the ass), and a direct result of this was "sexy" photo shoots that were posted all over the web where, to be honest, you look ridiculous.

However, regardless of these handicaps, you continue to sing, act, and take gruesome photos of yourself in your underwear, making a hideous kissy face that makes me want to punch you in the kidney.

I guess, in retrospect, it's not solely your fault. You are living in a Hollywood that is obsessed with looks and often cares nothing about actual talent. I'm sure the fact that people coo to you sweet lies only worsens the fact. But I think it's about time you learned the truth, doll face:

You sound like you've been smoking since the age of 7, and when you sing I liken it to nails on a chalkboard. You may be cute, but that doesn't mean I want to see you in your underwear. There are a million other women whom I would rank above you in the sexyness department, so please keep your clothes on. The Vanity Fair photo shoot of yours looked like you stole Mommy's lipstick and smeared it across your face and all the other makeup you had on made you look like a propped up corpse.

So do us all a favor and just shut up. Keep your silly little show for kids, but let's keep the singing and acting to the Disney channel, all right, love? I've seen sexier pole dances and photos done by cats, so stop trying to be something you're not.

You're not talented.

You can't sing.

You can't act.

You're not sexy.

You're not an artist.

Please take action immediately. My eyes and ears thank you.

With love,
A Woman Made of Dust

First

Almost daily I get together with some friends at a small local cafe and we begin to dish about life. Boyfriend problems, all the work we have, books, etc. And, like clockwork, it always ends with us complaining about some of the big stars out there who make the news. Girls who think they are talented, when really they are just a pretty face. Singers who think their voice is like an angle, although everyone else is cringing. Writers who think they are talented when, really, their not.

My friends tease and say that I should make a trip to California and start telling people what's what, smack them around (verbally) so maybe they will bless us all and just go away.

However, as I'm rather poor, I can't afford a trip to California, nor do I believe that I could get close enough to any of these stars to state my mind. A blog is the next best thing.

I know many out there will disagree with some things I post, so to them I say this: shut up. If you agree with something, post a comment. However, if all you are going to do is bitch and moan at me about how I'm "wrong", save it, because I don't care.

Enjoy.